Category: Dark Thoughts
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I’ll be seeing you. . .
I spent my Friday night mowing my back lawn in the dark, wiping tears that blurred my vision so completely that I was certain I would wake up this morning to a shit show mess of grass tufts and too-shorn edges. I would like to say it wasn’t intentional, but…
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dark thoughts will travel
I have started to write this 100 times. The thoughts, my thoughts bounced around in my head, dancing with my demons, and generally creating a swarm of letters that meant nothing. That murder hornet-like swarm of nothing didn’t just buzz around annoyingly – hell, if it had, I likely would have…
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I Never Paint Dreams or Nightmares. I Paint My Own Reality
I had written that quote down from Frida Kahlo on Friday January 14th this year. It’s true – I write what I know, what I feel, what I see, and my penchant is to write about sorrow and anger and grief and death. It’s wholly uncomfortable to write about the…
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Breathing is the easiest thing in the world to do, until it’s not.
People who know me, know that I struggle to breathe at times. Asthma has been one of my close companions since I was 8 years old, and if you’re doing the math, you know that’s been a couple decades worth of wheezing and inhalers and sparkly lights in front of…
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The Oak Fought the Wind and was Broken, the Willow Bent when it Must and Survived.
Too often, we as humans, bypass simple measures of checks and balances in our lives in order to facilitate the best outcome, often to the detriment of that which brought us to that outcome. As a leader, I’m asked on a daily basis to hold my people not only accountable…
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There is no grief, like the grief that does not speak.
It gets easier, they say. Purportedly, your daily life continues after a great loss, and you adapt to the negative space once filled by a loved one much like you’d navigate an unexpected and deep pothole in the road – you swerve around it, heart pounding that you may have…
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It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was – Anne Sexton
I didn’t want to ride today. Big shock. I haven’t been eager to ride this year – whether it be because of work or life wearing me down – regardless it hasn’t been my first priority. Hell, it hasn’t even been my 5th or 6th priority. But, I scheduled a…
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The Feast of the Demons
It has been some time since I’ve had the time to sit down and empty the chaos swirling inside my head here. Part of that is true – it’s been some time. I’ve had the time, but I haven’t felt strongly enough that the chaos needed to make its way…
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“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.” – Nicholas Sparks
I had this whole thing written out in my head. Talking about how 24 days ago, I was finishing up a 7-day bike ride across New York State. Talking about 7 years ago today, I was saying good-bye to my mom. But I’ve said this all before. I’ve screamed it.…
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“The worst cruelty that can be inflicted on a human being is isolation.” – Sukarno
It sounds almost funny for me to say this now, 18+ years after losing my dad, but for the longest time, my only perpetual companion in the journey through life without my mom and dad was my friend Grief. You remember him, right? From my previous post, my buddy who…
N.K. Murray 